So, i learned something today. I was reading a book this morning. Not because I wanted to, mind you, but because i felt a sense of obligation. I started it with my church small group and i have flaked out on the last few group meetings, during which time i think they've finished the book, and I felt like i should finish it before I start a new book. (An interesting mix of good and poor syntax and capitalization in this paragraph.) So, I started up where I'd left off, and was bored to the point of drooling... but then... POW! I learned something. Or, I guess I should say, I realized something that I hadn't thought of before. And here it is:
I think a great deal of my unwillingness to place my future completely in the hands of the Lord (even though I know it already is in His hands either way) is that I'm afraid that, somehow, after all is said and done... it won't be enough. He won't be enough. What He has planned for me won't be enough. Enough to make me happy. Enough to make me satisfied and content. Enough to make me feel like every part of me has been exercised and challenged and used for some glorious purpose. I want to feel like there's nothing left at the end of my life, like I gave everything I had and held nothing back. And I think I'm secretly afraid that whatever life God has planned for me will leave me feeling like parts of me were never needed. Like I was only half-living.
Now, anyone with half a brain and the tiniest knowledge of the Lord will think that sounds ridiculous. And it is. Totally. But these are the kind of beliefs that hide deep within my subconscious and affect my actions and decisions without my even realizing it. Stinks, huh? I'm being defeated by an enemy that I can't see... which is partly my own self. So, what came of this great realization? Well, first, I slapped myself in the face twice (figuratively) and then I read a quote from Charles Spurgeon that gave some perspective to my creepily messed-up brain. Maybe you'll like it, too.
"It was as though some fish, being very thirsty, was troubled about drinking the river dry, and Father River said; 'Drink away, little fish, my stream is sufficient for you!' Or as if a little mouse in the granaries of Egypt, after seven years of plenty, feared lest it should die of famine, and Joseph said, 'Cheer up, little mouse, my granaries are sufficient for you!' Again I imagined a man way up on the mountain saying to himself, 'I fear I shall exhaust all the oxygen in the atmosphere.' But the earth cries, 'Breathe away, O man, and fill your lungs; my atmosphere is sufficient for you!'" -Charles Haddon Spurgeon
How ridiculous of me to think that God could ever fall short, He whose grace is bottomless and whose many blessings to us stand in the shadow of His greatest Gift, His Son Jesus. If the Father did not hold back from us even His own Son... how can I think He would withhold any good thing from me? Any GOOD thing. Truly good, not just "seemed like a good idea at the time" good. I'm such a dope. His goodness will never run out. His forgiveness will never dry up. His Will will never be thwarted. (It's a silly word, but nothing else means the same thing and sounds better. What, like stymied? I don't think so.) No matter what I do, He will still make something better out of it. No matter what I dream up, He will still blow me away with His plans for me. And if I throw all of myself into serving Him with my whole heart, mind, soul... There will be nothing left over at the end. Everything He's built into me was for some purpose of His, and He will make sure it is used the way He intended. Period. And when I forget that next week, somebody remind me, please.