Is there any way to escape the mania for marriage and babies when you're my age? I mean, it's all around me. I can't walk down the street or work a full day or turn on the computer without being slapped in the face with somebody's outrageous happiness over their amazing husband or brilliant children. "Oh, the love of my life and I are going to have dinner later. I wish you could know the bliss of discovering your soul mate through an internet website. If life doesn't deliver happiness... go out and hunt it down like a dog." "Little Johnny pooped in the big boy potty today! Nothing in your shallow, lonely life can compare with the incredible joy and fulfillment of motherhood." Maybe my life is empty. I don't have a career I love to throw myself into. I don't have a new family or even many friends. I don't even like my dog that much, to be honest. But if anyone thinks that meticulously constructing a kind of security for myself by hunting down a husband and getting myself knocked up is going to change anything... they're dead wrong. I like to be alone. I prefer it. I can stand other people for brief periods, and then I have to get out. Only once in my life did I meet someone who I wanted to spend time with for more than a few days at a time, and even that turned out to be a source of misery in the end. Maybe not everybody is cut out for marriage. Maybe not everybody would be a good mother. Maybe some people have a hard enough time taking care of themselves, without also being responsible for others. And maybe some people don't want to hear about how wonderful it is that you have those things.

Is that wrong? I mean, am I required to fuss over your baby or to be happy for some girl because she's getting married? What if I think it's a mistake? Do I still have to go dress shopping with her and celebrate the thing that I think she might begin to regret within 2 years? Only twice, in all my years as a bridesmaid and a flower girl, have I ever been truly happy for somebody because they were getting married. Everybody else, I think, could've done better if they were more patient. Or maybe I was just annoyed by how much attention and praise they received for something that was no accomplishment at all. If you win gold at the olympics, I'll get excited for you. If you work with at-risk youth and see them through to graduation, I'll sing your praises. But just finding some guy who's willing to give up what he wants in life so you'll be happy enough to sleep with him isn't really anything to write home about. That's not enough to make the world revolve around you. Not even for a few months. I'm not impressed. Call me when you cure diabetes or translate the Bible into a remote tribal language.

I think this summer will be mostly used for short trips all over the West in order to decide where I'm going to move to. Top of the list? Montana, Oregon, Washington, Arizona, Wisconsin, or pretty much anywhere with a federal prison. I'm not scared. I drove to Mexico last week. I can handle anything. Or I guess I could just move further South in New Mexico. But I think it gets pretty flat and hot in that direction. Utah is out. And Idaho. I can handle anything... anything EXCEPT door-to-door Mormons. Too much confrontation for me. 

Sigh. I thought New Mexico was far enough from real civilization that I would be safe from guys here. I remember, one day when I was working at the Oswego store, thinking how nice it'd be to finally NOT have to worry about dating and losers thinking they wanted to go out with me. Ha! There is nowhere safe. Everywhere you go, some jerk looks at your behind and thinks, "I should get to know her." Whatever, jerk. No you shouldn't. I don't want your jerky ways to rub off on me until I'm a person I can't even respect. Well, according to Val, Cleveland is a great place to hide from guys. Do they have a federal prison?